When young people head to university, they begin a new phase of their life. This new phase includes a different relationship with their parents. Whether they live at home, have traveled across states, or have flown across an ocean to attend school, they will have increased freedom and encounter new challenges. As parents, watching them start this new phase can evoke pride, excitement, relief, heartache, and a sense of loss, which can be scary. You may think what they are facing is much more challenging than what you faced when you were that age, and you would likely be correct. It is hard to know how to support and guide them. Here are some suggestions.

• Keep them talking to you about their life by responding first and foremost to their feelings. When our students feel heard, and their emotions are acknowledged, they are likelier to listen to advice and feedback.

Example: Your student tells you they failed a test. While it is tempting to ask how much they studied, tell them they need to prioritize academics over their social life, or tell them you aren’t paying for them to fail their courses, this will likely lead to an argument, or they will shut down. Either way, they will not be listening. Instead, try something like “Sounds like you are angry.” “That sounds tough.” “I can hear that upset you.” “Ouch. I remember that, and it sucks.” “That hurt.”

Example: Your student tells you their friend got drunk and left them alone at a party. While it’s tempting to tell them that their friend is not really their friend or immediately tell them you disapprove of them going to a party with alcohol, first attend to their feelings. “That sounds awful.” “Sounds like you felt let down.” “You sound angry.” “Sounds kind of scary.” Once they feel understood, you can talk about how to be safer next time.

• College students still need their parents’ advice and support, but timing is essential. Giving feedback and advice is best when students are not emotionally upset. It is harder for anyone to listen objectively or evaluate input during distress. Much of our critical thinking is not accessible. Be patient and wait until later in the conversation or later in the day or week.

Example: A few weeks or even months after they have lost a friend or romantic partner, you might say, “It seems like you’re feeling better. Do you want to talk about what happened?”.

Example: You know how you said earlier that your boss was a jerk because she got on your case about being late again? I must disagree with how she criticized you in front of your coworkers. However, now that you have had time to cool off, what do you think about her perspective?

• Resist telling them what to do. Even when the answer is evident to you as a parent, try not to lecture or try to fix things. Instead, please support them in finding their solution. Resisting this urge to problem-solve can be very difficult.

Example: Your student tells you that their romantic partner dumped them. It can be tempting to say, “Good. I never liked them.” “You said they wouldn’t respond to your texts for days.” “Your too good for them” “You’ll find someone better.” Try saying, “You sound sad.” “That hurts.” “No wonder you’re upset.”

• Attend to their emotions before inserting your own opinions or judgments, as feelings may continue to be complicated even after the end of a relationship

Active Listening

Encourage your student to be honest with you about how they’re adjusting to college life. Actively listen to your students when they share and try to seek understanding rather than immediately providing solutions. 

What does it mean to be an active listener, and why is it important? Active listening is an essential communication technique to help improve communication and build stronger relationships. The method involves entirely focusing on and engaging with the speaker to understand their message. Active listeners will indicate to the speaker that they are paying attention by avoiding distractions during the conversation.

An example could be putting your phone down and showing interest by maintaining eye contact and nodding. Another cue to a speaker that you are engaging in active listening is paraphrasing or asking clarifying questions to ensure that you understand the message or story. You will likely find that genuine active listening will encourage your family member or friend to keep talking and signal that you are interested in what they say.  

You can check out this animation for additional tips on Active Listening: Four things all great listeners know