April 24, 2020

By Anne Swenson, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist, UWCC

Every day, there are social media posts about what people are sharing that they are grateful. It can feel very inspiring to see people showing this appreciation and also be irritating if you are not in that place. Your mind can tell you, “Their gratitude posts are touching, but I’m irritated by them because now I feel bad about myself.” And the “but” in the thinking can the problem. Because the “but” is a message that says that the first part of what you are feeling is contradicted by the second part. With that “but”, you may be invalidated half of what you’re feeling.

Our minds do this all the time. Our minds take a messy experience that we’re having and they try to make it simpler by negating half of it. Have you ever said something like, “I love my friend Maria, but she really bugs me sometimes”? This might sound like just a small difference in language, but it actually really matters. Because when we use “but”, it means we’re telling ourselves that it can’t be both. That loving someone and having them irritate you are contradictory experiences that can’t happen at the same time.

And when we accept that “but”, it diminishes us. The messy reality is that it’s both – it’s an “and”. So what we can try to do instead is to replace the “but” with “and”. Instead of saying to yourself, “I’m stressed out by having to be away from home, but I’m glad I’m doing what I wanted to by going to UW,” you say, “I’m stressed out by having to be away from home and I’m glad I’m doing what I wanted to do by going to UW.” I try to say to myself, “It’s touching to see how grateful my friends are and I find it irritating.” Both are true and the irritation doesn’t negate the warmth that you may feel.

Now more than ever, we’re all a mix of different, often contradictory thoughts and feelings, all of which are real and valid parts of our experience. So try holding the “and”. Try to catch times that you are saying “but” when describing your experience. And then try to replace the “but” with an “and”. Check in with yourself when you do this. Do you feel more authentic in what you are saying? Do you feel a greater sense of self-understanding? Do you feel less self-judgment? In these times, we can use all the understanding, acceptance, and compassion that we can find. This practice can help.